intentions.
Thursday, August 19
10:50:00 AM
Beauty on the surface,
glamorous and shiny,
showing to the world
it's ideal to be tiny.

Or Beauty that resides
deep within your soul
the majority would choose the latter
or atleast that's what I'm told.

God or Monkeys?
Wednesday, August 18
12:58:00 PM
I was just thinking about the issue of science and spirituality... Personally, I'm of two minds on the whole issue. On one hand, the scientific-minded side of me finds it intuitively pleasing that capturing the entirety of someone's being should be possible via physical means, e.g., by identifying the entire quantum state of a person. I'm also curious as to the possibility that there are yet undiscovered facets of our physical world that may affect our being. For instance, as you may have read, string theory in physics suggests that there are 9 or 10 dimensions, rather than just the 4 we perceive in our everyday life. Could there possibly be some information about our reality tucked away in these (yet unproven) extra dimensions? On the other hand, as a Catholic, I believe that theres a certain je ne sais quois that eludes physical description. After all, if we as Christians believe that this body is just a wrapper of sorts and that we'll be reborn into new, glorified bodies....then the sould really conveys all the relevant information about "me," however one defines that.If i lose a limb (God Forbid), my quantum state has drastically changed, even so far as to affect how my brain processes information, I'd still say im the same person at my core, so there has to be a limit to which our physical incarnation defines us.

Hello Sun, My dear friend you have been missed.
12:57:00 PM
I figure I have way too many posts about my depression, my hate, my peeves and other mood downing shit. So starting here I will begin to post happy, light words and only sad ones when absolutely necessary.

Lord knows I have tried.
12:36:00 PM
The cure for social anxiety.
How to overcome your meeting-new-people fears.
Making Friends 101
New environment guide.
3 easy to follow steps on adapting.

If there were such a thing as any of those books, and they weren't 300 pages worth of bullshit, I would pay 100 dollars for them. My mom is always telling me that "God only gives you what you can handle. He is testing your faith and that's why he gives me the struggles he knows will effect me the most."

Struggles such as, oh i don't know, throwing a teenage girl in the middle of 2000 new people (high school students not to mention who are naturally cruel and have nothing but poor intentions) and expecting her to make friends right off the bat? I'm not very good at being the loner girl who walks from class to class alone. I saw those people in my old school and I pitied them. I know I shouldn't, but now I might have to be that girl, and I have no idea how to handle it.

Katie.
Thursday, August 12
10:59:00 AM
hahahhahahhahahahahahahahhahahahhahhahahahahaha. Isn't it funny how after a few people find out that you have thought about killing yourself, they turn from bitches into the nicest people in the world? Yeah i'd rather you be a bitch to me than pretend to be nice so I will live. Fuck that.

Numb
Wednesday, August 11
4:11:00 PM
My brain is numb. This always happens after a breakdown. Today's breakdown was worse than usual. Because it wasn't a private breakdown. She knows, and that's bad. She's the type of manipulator that will use it against me. I can't really think that well right now because of the numbness. So maybe later.

when
Monday, August 2
7:49:00 PM
depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. depression. 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emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. conflicting emotions. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. intolerance. 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Stereotypical nonconformists, self-medication, pass-out work-out.
Thursday, July 29
10:27:00 AM
Adam Lambert, is that actually who he is? Is that his true personality and is that his attire that he has claimed the greater part of his entire life? Or is this another one of those lame things the media does to focus certain celebrities on a younger demographic. That's bullshit and I would like to punch him in the face. I hate all this pop shit it's so dumb. How "weird" is the new "cool" thing with Lambert and Lady Gaga and Miley cyrus trying to be all badass in her music video. 

Another fucking thing i hate is people who are all "drugs and alcohol are bad, they are the devil!" Yeah they're bad, but the people who do them, myself included occasionally, know what they are choosing. They know it is bad, and all these drug education things for teenagers aren't doing shit, because most of the time the teens know more than the videos and educational plans about these drugs. Yet we choose to do them anyway, because we know our own bodily limit. Sometimes we choose to push our limit and that is our own choice, so stfu and mind your own life. If I choose to get a little wasted every once in a while to forget the pain i have to go through, then let it be. I'm not an alcoholic and I'm not going to let myself become an alcoholic, so let it be.

Work-out training starts yesterday. I have begun recording everything i eat, and i mean everything, measurements and all, down in a notebook in hopes that visually seeing all i eat in one day will push me to eat less and better. I started off my first day with extremely simple lunges, pushups, and situps. Today's my first day of running. I am about to go as long as it's not too burning hot outside already. I'ma start off easy with 2 miles and every week increase it a mile and then by the time the 5k comes i should be running 7 miles easy, which can hopefully put me in a good position in the sand pit race. Woo woo i'm excited to be active and running again. Wish me goodluck. 

car crash, kidnap, mugged, shot, murder
10:01:00 AM
I hate when i get in arguments with my mom. I love her, but she is such a bitch sometimes. I think i have paranoia. Everytime we fight and then she goes out somewhere i worry like ocd that she'll die before she comes home. I need to distract myself till she does come home or i will be freaking out and depressed all day. I signed up for my first 5k in 6 months. I have one month to train for it, so might as well start today.

Reunited.
Monday, July 19
2:34:00 PM
Forget it, let me take care of this. 

That's what she said... But is it taken care of? No. 40 more days I will be without a home. I don't have my bed that was so warm and comforting to me on days like this. I could bury myself in the depths of the blankets and it was like a hiding place that I could escape the pain. I don't feel pain in my sleep. But now my life is only filled with restless nights, racing thoughts, and unfamiliar places. 

I've made some sort of realization. The way my mother raised me, living in 9 homes the first 17 yeas of my life, I'm basically like a foster kid, even though I'm not. When she separated me from my childhood at a young age, she ripped my heart into two pieces. One remained in California while I'll took what I had left with me to give to the rest of my happiness. However when I came back to be reunited with the part of my heart I left behind in the first place, well that's when I realized that the half of my heart I've always had, got stuck in Kentucky. I did everything I could to try and bring it back with me, but the border control of emotions wouldn't let me pass with it. I realize now there is no possible way of my heart being full or complete again. I can't get the best of both worlds, and until I meet the man, if I ever do, that can give me my whole heart back, I won't ever be happy. 

Evil
Wednesday, July 14
4:27:00 PM
Some days I lie in bed,
Thinking, "hey, today's going to be a good day,"
I get up in a happy mindset
I pour some cereal in a bowl
But as I raise my spoon to eat that first bite,
"shit they found me"
I feel the black presence leaping from the neurons in my brain
I feel them coating every happy thought in a rich luscious coat of sticky black paint
I remember "today is a bad day."

Virtually friendless and homeless, instability
4:14:00 PM
I am virtually friendless and homeless for three weeks and counting. Fuck this. You cant just take the two stable things that made me the most happy and the most comfortable away, and expect me to be ok with it. You especially can't do that shit to someone who already is mentally unstable. She wonders why I'm in a pissy mood consantly and why I'm short with her? She wants to know why I'm so moody lately? I'll tell you why bitch, it's because you're so goddamn stupid. You pretend like you're a good parent and like youve got things under control, when all that you fucking do is sit on your lazy ass and just hope and wish for an apartment to open up and wait for you. This is San diego dumb bitch you can't just say I want an apartment and expect instant gratification. At the same time you should have ben preparIng for this months ago, you're expected to be able to provide a home for our children. See I'm smart enough to understand that we probably won't get an apartment, the funny thing is, that you're so naive to believe that anytime some apt managers assistant calls you and tells you there is some hope, you get so excited and stir up hope. You count your chickens before they hatch and your niavety has caused me to be stupid and actually believe you that we won't be living with your parents forever. But no, then I remember that I'm the only smart realistic one in this family and that I can't trust you ever because all you fucking do is get my hopes up that maybe I'll have a home again and I can start making friends and having a slightly normal life again, but then no something happens to remind us both of your stupidity.

I can't deal with not having friends anymore, sure I have my old friends I'm still on contact with , but if I'm Down I can't just go hangout with them to feel better, I can't hug any of my friends or even see them. I'm not part of their world anymore, I'm not a part of what used to be my entire world. And that crushes me.

I'm sick and goddamn tired of living out of my suitcase, packing backpacks and switching homes every few nights. I love my grandparents to death but I'm sick of their bitching, all my grandpa does is bug me about my future, who gives a fuck?! I have my future taken care of so don't you worry about it. And all my grandma does is bitch at me about keeping my room clean and making sure I eat my vegetables and dRink milk every day. I'm a fucking adult I can take care of myself so STOP TREATING ME LIKE A FUCKING CHILD. I can't live this way anymore, it's pushing me over the edge. Help.

'
12:04:00 PM
Man what I would do to have a truck run me over while I cross the street right now.

Contact me?
Saturday, July 10
3:53:00 PM
I know i have commenting disabled, and I know that no one reads this anyways, but anyone can feel free to email me at dakramn19@aol.com about anything I guess.

Stranger
1:17:00 PM
I've realized something today. Something that I absolutely never saw coming. Sure I contemplated if it might happen at one point but I was more sure that I would never feel this way, more sure than I have ever been on anything ever before. And yet it happened. If I lack the ability to be able to even the slightest bit percieve my own future, then how the hell am I supposed to be sure of anything else I've ever though, spoken or felt? How can I be sure of myself with anything now? Doubt consumes me. 

If someone had told me three months ago that when I moved to my original home, back to the place where I always claimed I belong and was positively happy in, that I would be miserable, I would have told them that they have no clue who I am or what I like then. I would have said they were so wrong. Turns out I'm the so wrong one. who thought while in the beautiful city of San Diego, surronded by my moms side of the family,  living the life I always thought I wanted, I would be crying in my bed longing for the lame town of Owensboro where I can be exactly who I really am and be with my friends of the past 9 years. I am devastated to find out I don't know myself as well as I thought. 

Sunday, June 27
2:32:00 PM
On the road again. Sending this from my iPhone, sitting in a park in beautiful flagstaff, Arizona! It is truly gorgeous here and wouldn't be a bad place to settle down in. I don't know why I've been thinking about that kind of stuff a lot lately. I'm only 17 and want to put off marrying as long as possible ( I have commitment issues) yet I still find myself constantly saying ohh this is the type of neighborhood I'd raise my kids in, or this is the kind of house I want! This just recently started and it's kind of fun, like planning my future, though I know I'll probably end up in some trashy neighborhood, with some trashy boyfriend who abuses me, and a trashy life because that's just the kind of person I'm destined to be. I'm doing all i can to avoid this inevitable future. I study really hard in school, I already have the college I want picked out and I want to major in graphic design, hopefully for a big-time magazine, but I'd be okay with advertising Design as well. I've also promised myself not to settle. I have really low self esteem obviously and it takes some major motivation to keep telling myself I deserve someone nice and hopefully successful. That's extremely hard during my down periods though. Anyways back to the subject of my trip- we leave tomorrow morning bright and early to tackle the eight hour drive that will lead me home to sunny sd! I used to get this overwhelming feeling everytime I stepped off the plane when I would visit, sort of like I was exactly where I belonged and I had been out of place for the past 9 years. I can imagine the feeling I'm going to get once it hits me that I'm going to be permanently living in my beautiful home again. Hopefully it can renew my "happy high" and keep it going for atleast another week or two. This good period is one of the longest i've felt in about a year. I described it on my depressiontribe.com account as "when I am in these wonderful good periods I feel like I'm flying and my depression is gone forever, like ie somehow magically overcame it... Until i come crashing down. Then it hits me all over again that this disease is here to stay. Luckily I haven't experienced that yet this time- but I'm sure you'll hear about it when it does happen. In the meantime be who you are, not someone else, and live happy. Peace.

Three Words From Treasure Island
Wednesday, June 9
7:04:00 AM
Click here to see vid!This is my cute nerdy friend James (left) and his friend JD (right) performing James' original. It's called "Three Words From Treasure Island"
I think it's pretty good, and you should take a look :)

Somewhere over the Rainbow
Tuesday, June 8
8:36:00 PM
2.5 weeks. 2.5 weeks that I have felt genuinely happy. And in said 2 and a half weeks I have only had a total of 24 bad hours. This is pretty much a record for the past 2 years. And I am loving it so much. I mean, it's not like magnificent things have been happening, and it's not like something profound has changed my mind like an epiphany or something. I am just so happy to be happy. Gah, I almost forgot what it feels like to be like this. Our house is definitely over 75% empty and I have taken at least a million trips to the dumpster in the past two weeks. I had to get rid of a lot of little nick nack things that had some sentimental value, but I think I'm okay with it because I am starting a new chapter in my life after all. I always said before that things could only get better from the low point I was at, and what do you know I was right. I sort of figured that the universe would once again find a way of proving me wrong and acting just to piss me off, but no, this time, nature is on my side. And it feels nice knowing someone is on your side. I haven't even had to visit the depression pages I'm apart of recently. And really something super shitty happened to me yesterday, something that normally would have put me in a bad state, but no there were so many good things in my brain that I don't think I even thought about it once. This is such a new journey to me, and I'm excited to explore this uncharted territory. Usually after such a good spell I would get so low that I would fantasize about leaping from buildings just like the bad thoughts leap from synapse to synapse in my messed up brain.

Things are starting to hit me that I will have to leave behind all my childhood friends, all my current friends, all my memories and sentiments. All feelings of nostalgia will be gone. Obviously it hasn't exactly sunk into my brain yet because I'm not sad over it, but I am starting to understand more what this will mean for me in the future. I am so beyond ready to start this new chapter in my life. And with my new found attitude, the Universe can bring on this bullshit life, I'ma fuckkk itt upppppp. :)

Impatience is key.
Saturday, May 29
1:41:00 PM
Lately I've been noticing how impatient I am for everything. I am not satisfied with the here and now, all I can think about it how much better things will be once this happens, or how happy i will be once that one thing happens.
Like I am constantly thinking about how much prettier I will be once i get my braces off, which happens in about half a month.
Or how much my style will be cuter once I get the new vans I ordered, which will be here in a month (they're custom so they take a long time)
Or how much happier I'll be once I get my Iphone, which will come in 5 days (I've been checking the mail for it every single day since I ordered it.)
Or how much cooler of a life I'll have once I move, which will happen in a little under a month.
Or how much cuter I'll be when my hair grows out, which will happen God knows when,
Or how much prettier I'd be if I was a little skinnier, which will happen only when i consistently run each day (that's not happening.)

I am sick and tired of all this wishful thinking that has never gotten me anywhere. I do think all these statements are true, but I mean I can't just sit and wait for this to all happen, it will all come in good time. Meanwhile I need to focus on what I can do to make things improve sooner, or just plain focus on things that are in my control. Instead of thinking of things that need to improve, I'm going to list some things that have recently improved.
I have gotten into one of my "good cycles" of my depression, I've been happy for an entire week which is a pretty big deal to me.
I've tackled most of my school stuff, just a few more finals to study for and take, and all that will be off my back.
I've packed half my room for the move, packing always takes me a long time so I'd thought I'd get a head start.
That's really all I can think of now, but I'm sure there's more. Anyways, today's lesson is Serenity.



God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Tired
Saturday, May 22
2:28:00 PM
So much on my plate. So little time to do it in. So stressed. So much chaos and so little organization. So many things to remember. So many things to prioritize. So many things to keep in check. So many thoughts to align.

Fear and Hate and Sadness,oh great.
Friday, May 14
6:12:00 PM
Delve into the night, dark blue where I hide,
Look over your shoulder, quicken your stride
It's impossible to outrun the hate you see,
it's not logical to try and sneak past me.

I will always come for you, tear you apart,
rip you limb from limb and feast on your heart,
I'll suck your brain dry and I'll wring your tears out,
cut your tounge off, show you what life isn't about

You can keep running, because i am an illusion,
no one else can see that I'm an intrusion
They hear you scream and they see you cry
but they do not see how I'm killing you inside.

Presenting: TheNew&ImprovedDakotaRamn.
Tuesday, May 11
4:42:00 PM
That last post made no sense. Glee is on tonight :) I <3 Glee. Especially the Madonna episode, and I have a feeling I will love the Lady Gaga episode next week :)
Freakin' Jesse St. James is beautiful <333

Anyways. Laaaalalaaaalaaa, Less than a month and a half before I move across the country....Nervewracking and refreshing at the same time. New me? Yes. Will I probably screw it up? Yes.

Hey you.
Monday, May 10
8:13:00 PM
"The divine right," she stated.
"Is the right appointed to you by  Mr. God"
She stuttered,  "I'm so sorry, I must have forgot,"

Because when I saw you walk in,
your presence draped in grace,
The light was lingering on your heavenly face.

Incorrect, the server was not found,
Refresh yourself,
and lead to new chances abound.

Please come closer, and listen to me,
Please consider what i'm about to say,
please don't, please don't walk away

Dear Alice,
2:23:00 PM
She glanced towards the window, but couldn't see past the thick fog that lingered on the windowsill. Sparse drops of water danced daintily down the glass. The water held her gaze, mesmerized her as the beat of the music shook her walls and her spine. The music. The music had an entirely different personality. It reverberated the walls with the billingsgate. She pressed her cheek to the icy window and the sensation it made upon her rosy skin was unimaginable. The hot memories and dark thoughts that were usually creeping through her brain faded as if they were sinking into the abyss of the forgotten. She was content. Not happy, never happy, but satisfied with the days gifts.

Doing the Charleston with your Devil.
Sunday, May 9
11:52:00 AM
Feeling up and feeling down,
the only way is to end this now,

Take it back, panic attack,
it's not the ability that you lack.

Hear my prayer, make it fair,
Remove these lies that I wear,

Draped so neatly, over my arm,
tend to the fear that I farm,

Underneath this veil you see
Is nothing short of catastrophe

Masked beneath this cloak of shame,
The devils inside cannot be tamed.

Hear these words I'm speaking.
Thursday, May 6
2:31:00 PM
Hear these words I'm speaking,
I'll say them to your face.
Hear me gently weeping,
Once I've lost the race.

Is it truly that simple?
To do the things you do?
Or are you just lying again,
doing that thing that you do?

Who removed the world from my shoulders?
Wednesday, May 5
4:31:00 PM
Today and yesterday have been so magnificently relieving. I feel amazing and it's all thanks to depressionhaven.org I have met some truly nice people there and I have been able to share my story with some people and hear others stories as well. I know none of the few people who will read this actually want to hear about my depression but i just wanted to share this for anyone who needs help.

Anyways I haven't really had much to say lately. So bye.

I guess not.
Tuesday, May 4
3:48:00 PM
I'd just like someone to talk to. I tried these chat room things. One was for depression and one was for panic attacks. The people in it were rather nice, but  I felt it difficult to actually enter the conversation. All the other chat rooms I found were just people asking for other people to fuck them. That was really annoying. Isn't there anyone out there like me?

What is a soul that lacks creativity?
Saturday, May 1
1:00:00 PM
I love art. I love art because it has no one answer. It has so many different opportunities to be right. But I also love math. And I love math for the exact opposite reason I love art. Because there is one answer and there are no questions. There is no gray area and nothing is unsure, it is all definite. Either right or wrong.

Friday, April 30
2:40:00 PM
Today was bad, I don't know what triggers these bad moods but they suck. Ultimately. It seems like every little thing pushes me further and further but I never explode I just keep bottling it up. And I know one day that will come back to get me. I'm at walmart with my brother and my grandma. I hate my dads weekends cause I neverget to do anything. Tiffany wanted me to go on a double date with her tonight and I really wish I could have. Last year I had tons of guy friends. I was a flirt and I was popular. This year guys at my school only talk to me if I am standing beside my best friend ashley. God knows I need the self esteem to know some boys still find me slightly attractive. I'm don't even know what happened but everything has gone downhill.....

naked.
Thursday, April 29
7:05:00 PM
take away the makeup
take away her clothes
take away her fronts
and she'll be left with no pose.

give her back her ideas,
give back her personality
give her back her uniqueness
and her originality

take away that monster
undo the damage done
release the demons from inside
let her shine brighter than the sun

Stillnotwithanasian.
6:24:00 PM
Is it just me or are Asians hot?


Like these ones! Stillnotdavid, and John Cho. In incorrect order. 
I<3asianboys.

I know you.
6:14:00 PM


Daily dose of Daley
5:40:00 PM
So I started a new blog, check it out click me!
It's not really a blog but a fictional story that I'm going to wing, like a diary for an alter ego. Kind of creepy, but you know.

So I'm watching Bones. Love this showww :)
John Francis Daley is sooooo finee<3
You disagree, you can suck it.

Who are you to judge me?
Monday, April 26
5:47:00 PM
I'm so fucking tired of this world. I'm so fucking tired of this mood that I'm stuck on.
I'm a radio blasting nothing but noise and the dial is stuck on ten.
When will this noise finally turn into beautiful music?
Never if the antenna doesn't get fixed.
If I never get fixed.
Life is so retarded to put it simply.
I love each and every one of my brothers and sisters under Christ. But I can only speak for myself. Who is to say who loves me as a person. When I see a person, I really look at that person. I drink in their skin, their flaws, their personality, their habits, and I love every bit of it. Because it all comes together harmoniously to create that perfect person, God's handiwork.
So why can't someone see me like that? Why can't they overlook my flaws and like me?
I don't wanna live up to anyone's standards besides Gods. Yet I still want to be loved by another human. Who doesn't? This shit's so overrated. Everyone wants to be pretty and perfect to be liked. I just want to be liked. I will accept anyone that will accept me.
I hate when people are shy or nervous to talk to me. I want to be your friend. I wish they could see how nice I am and how much I have to offer to the world. But no one will give me a chance. I am prejudiced and judged. Judged by filthy hands.

Chat Roulette?
Saturday, April 24
7:39:00 AM
So for those of you who don't know what chat roulette is..... that's probably a good thing. Chat roulette is disgusting. Me and my friend got on it last night for fun and it was so awkward. We saw about 5 penis' of the random perverts. So yeah. If you haven't been on chat roulette, then don't. Anyways I'm feeling kind of ....anxious today. I don't know why, I never know why. I get these random bouts of anxiousness. Sometimes they are set off by something big I'm actually nervous about and sometimes i don't even know why it's happening. It's pretty much the worst feeling in the world though. It feels like my stomach is a bottomless pit and there are Chinese ninjas doing back tucks and flips up and down the walls. It makes me feel a combination of sad, distressed, anxious, depressed, weary, and nauseous. Sounds like it sucks right? Well it does. I don't know if I have depression, or gad, or whatever the fuck is wrong with me. But I know there are demons in my head. They stay hidden sometimes. But when they come out to party, they throw the kind of police-getting-called-off-the-wall-most-bad-ass-party-ever kind of party. Meanwhile my brain is exploding with emotions. Excreting sadness from my every pore.

Theodore Roosevelt
Friday, April 23
11:01:00 AM
Sitting in U.S. history again Going over some stupid questions for a test tomorrow. I am on the newspaper staff at my school and we are having an ice cream day :D That's always exciting.







See me be, 
See me flee, 
See me see.

The greater the danger, the greater the reward.
Thursday, April 22
3:01:00 PM
Life almost killed me, but it was death that got me.

  There are so many expectations in this world. So many demands and so many standards to live up to.

When the mockingbird weeps, 
and the hummingbird sleeps, 
and the leaves have all fallen, 
and the trees are a'callin',
and the sky shines blue, 
and the wind whistles too, 

When the ground cushions your fall
and the people don't worry at all, 
and the grass is grown, 
and the men are all home, 
and the world is alive, 
is when it's your time to die.

Tuesday, April 20
6:35:00 PM
Why?

The only thing to fear is fear itself.
11:38:00 AM
Sitting in U.S. history class. And blogger is one of the few sites the Netsweeper doesn't block. I realize that most of the recent posts have just been ramblings, as this one will probably be. But who's reading this shit anyways? No one, that's who. 

One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies- "You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions." Sincerely Yours, The Breakfast Club. 
 As I wake up in your room,
your face is the first thing I see.
You lay still and silent and beautiful.
Your chest slowly heaves up and down.
I run my finger along your arm.
Just to make sure it's real this time.
I analyze the small details of your face.
The hair and the small bumps.
It's the imperfections I love most about you.
The fact that this is another imperfect human being,
just like me,
that is laying here beside me,
and loving me.

 

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart
Monday, April 19
7:32:00 PM
Do you ever feel ugly? Do you ever feel like you're not good enough? Do you ever feel like no matter what you do or how you look you will never reach others standards or even your own standards?

Does feeling like this make you feel like you are too ugly to live on this planet filled with beautiful nature, and beautiful people?
Insecurity is one of the worst feelings in the world. Obviously. Every one has it. Some at the more extreme end with BDD and some that just pretend they have it when they really know they are prettier than anyone else. 

I feel so ugly sometimes. I want short cute hair, so I cut it. Then I want long luscious hair so I grow it out. I feel like a dyke with medium length hair while I wait for it to grow. And when it gets long, i'll just want short edgy hair all over again. My face is round. I have no bone structure, and I look fat. I am kind of fat. It wouldn't hurt me to lost weight. I have a huge nose. It's like a black person nose. Only it looks normal on them and on me it just looks fucked up. When I smile it gets bigger and it takes up about half my face. I feel like it's all people can look at when they see me is my huge nose. Everyone in the world has a cute skinny nose. and I have a nose that makes me look like a dog. I have weird shaped lips, and everyone always thinks I look mad because of the way my face looks. Fuck this. Fuck everything. I'm so sick of this. Fuck my face.
 


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Nelson Mandela

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I went to the dollar store to buy a pencil. Guess how much it cost. $2.
Sunday, April 18
5:16:00 PM
When you attempt to delve into this dark abyss that exists in the 
back left corner of my mind, 
you will be stopped. 
 I have strategically implanted multiple forces and traps to deter your
journey. 

If you try to guess who I am,
you will be burned. 
If you try to finish my thought, 
you will be cut. 
If you try to trespass personal ideas, 
you will be shot. 
If you try to understand me, 
you will be killed. 

Eeeeeeek. The empty swing rocks back and forth, losing momentum each time.
My mind and my my mood rock back in forth in harmonious synchronization with the swing.
I become desperate, dark, disturbed, depressed, delirious.
I scream and cry frantically, aimed at no one. 
I throw whatever is in reach of my hands or my heart.
I must outlet the anger. I break whatever and who ever remains closest. 
I fill with rage, and will destroy you if you enter my path. 


Then the swing creeps forward. 
I am happy, bright, content, comfortable.
I smile, and I laugh.
I will hold you close, and drown you in affection.
I will tell you what you mean to me, and you can count on me to be there for you.
I fill with joy, and will hug anyone who enters my path.

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Till Death Do Us Part
Saturday, April 17
11:31:00 AM
Soooo I'm on my way to a wedding right now and doing this via palm centro. I hate palms they suck ass. Haha I've never met tiffany's parents before but they're with us and the bass is all the way up lmao, I can feel my spine tingling with the beat. Anyways. About weddings. I can't decide if I'm one of those people that doesn't ever want to get married and just maybe stay with someone without a label or not. I know I will definitely never have a big wedding. If I ever did meet the right guy it would just be a courthouse thing. I hate weddings. haha so I'm also going to a bonfire tonight after this wedding with a bunch of my old friends I've never seen in a while. This will be interesting especially since my ex will be there. Its been a year though so idk....

Actually
Friday, April 16
8:12:00 PM
it's the end of the way i viewed the world.
it's the end of the way i used to be your girl.
it's the end of the way of those called friends.....
no actually its just the end.
everyone's changing their hair and their style
everyone's changing except whats worthwhile
everyone's changing how they used to be.....
no actually it's just me
they say when a door closes another opens
they say to just keep on prayin' and hopin'
they say in the end things will turn out just fine....
no actually they lied
if there's no answers left to give, ask why
if there's no hope left to spread, just fly
if your journeys ended and your soul is parting....
no actually your journeys just starting.

Can you see me fly?
7:27:00 PM
Do you see the way,
See the way that I portray?
Are you in my head,
in my head with the things I've said?

 Can you see me fly,
see me fly to this lullaby?
Do you understand,
understand this crazy man?

If any of you haven't seen the movie, "Humble Pie," you should. It's an amazing movie. I really admire Tracy.
I think that credit lacks in the areas that most deserve the praise.
Teenagers have it bad.
Real bad.
And though adults were once us,
By the time they hit 30 they forget.
Their memories diminish and the scars disappear.
Teenagers know how hard they themselves have it.
But since society has taught everyone that to
show a completely naked emotion, is unacceptable
every single teenager hides what they feel.
There may be a single person they share with,
but this is where the circle ends.
I wonder if it will ever become normal for people to be able
to truly discuss they pain and despair they feel without being labeled or judged.
I fear it will never happen.
Of course certain emotions are okay.
Anger is okay, love is okay, but depression is NOT okay.



One heart, in the right place, can make a world of difference.

Love with a side of blueberries
Saturday, April 10
5:44:00 AM
Here's a few poems I found that I wrote a long time ago.

#1
We're called the Human Race
Desperate looks upon their face
Can't stand to be in this place
Thought to be salvation
Now no one can see
All they think about is 'me'
Once the land of the free
Now home of desperation 

#2
Agitate my soul
Alleviate my mind
Abysmal thoughts contaminate
the brains of the undivine.

Bashing of your heart
Banging of your head
Blistering skin indicates
you'd be better off dead.

Counting down the seconds
Cherishing these times
Clinging to the idea
of the wise use of your dimes

Dagger in your side
Danger in the air
Dances around you, taunting,
invisible, yet there.

Ever present in your body
Ego maniacs are stored
Eager for the moment
when they become your Lord

Forever burned the image stays
Feverish and red
Frightened, huddling in the corner
feet made out of lead

Great becomes the monster
giving up is not a choice
gasp for air and persevere
if you want to keep your voice

Higher than an air plane
hugs are overrated
hatred consumes the public
like a comeback style over dated

I, the one who doesn't dare
ignores you, dishes out blame
ignites your dreams of irony
watches them brightly go up in flames

Jacked up on red bull
jittery and nervous
jail time and probation
always serve their purpose

Kill the relief with another conflict
Keep your feelings close
Kids will, if you allow,
crush what matters most

Lingering on people
Lost in a human sea
Lakes drown the resistance
so now feel the hypocrisy

Meaningless and cold
much better than the rest
monsters grab a hold
of the heart exploding from your chest

Nearing close to the finish
never say never
now concludes the beginning
lets start the next endeavor

original yet conformed
obey the rules you set
overcrowded is the norm
so increases the rebel jet

Parting ways are difficult
Peacemaking can be harder
Pleasepleaseplease I'm begging you
can we make up for starters

Quickly , hurry, faster now
Quit all your lying
Quiet the unnabreviated door
cross the blood red line

Reading your mind
risking your bets
ridged edges
and framed silhouettes

Sun beats down
Shines, yet everything is dim
Save yourself for the breakdown
save yourself for him

take now whats left of us
thriving hard to see
trust is always broken
so please don't trust in me

underneath the surface
u can peek but just one glance
umbrellas cant shield pain
so grasp your only chance

Viscous thoughts undermine
vision cant help you now
vitality lowers faster
than your body should allow

Writing becomes an escape
with advantages unspoken of
worthy of nothing more
than whats left of a mothers love

X'd out of my life
xanax swallowed deeper
Xeroxed fake, there's no one better
so do your best to keep her

Youth slowly drips away
yes becomes the well-known
yearly questions are routine
take only whats your own

Zero points, your dead
zoning into focus
Zealous people fail at the game
though they will never notice
#3
The desperate and the dumb,
The obnoxious and the sad,
They think they have no hope
When it's truly all they have.

The depressed claim there is none left,
and thats why they feel the way they do
But every second they move on
it's hope that makes the mountains move

Suicidal thoughts pass through your mind,
but on them you will never act,
for it's hope that drives you to tomorrow,
'till those thoughts come back.

So when you thought all hope was lost,
and destiny was decided,
Hope will come place you with love and charity
'tis where you'll sit beside them.


Pancakes with Peanut butter
Friday, April 2
2:00:00 PM
Do you have a girlf​riend​/​boyfr​iend?​
Nopee

How many texts​ are in your inbox​?​
A few

Who was the last perso​n you talke​d to?
My daddy

When was the last time you smile​d?​
I guess today

What is somet​hing you reall​y want right​ now?
Good food

How late did you stay up last night​ and why?
like 11, playing call of duty

Who was the last perso​n you saw in perso​n?​
My dad

Are you pregn​ant?​
Nosir

When is the next time you will hug someo​ne?
Probably P.J. when I see him in Gulf shores

What are you eatin​g?​
Fish tacos!

First​ perso​n under​ S on your cell phone​?​
Stephanie

Are you more of a coffe​e or alcoh​ol drink​er?​
Coffee

Did you have a good day yeste​rday?
Nope

Were you happy​ when you woke up today​?​
Nope

Are you drift​ing away from someo​ne you were close​ with?
Definitly, I wish she could see it too.

Is waiti​ng for someo​ne ever okay?​
No, they will never come back

Has someo​ne promi​sed you somet​hing and broke​ it?
yupp

Who was the last perso​n to text you?
Mom

Are you happy​ with life right​ now?
Not really

Who is the last perso​n you hugge​d and how old are they and how tall were they?
Tiffany, she's 17, and shes like 5'4

Last websi​te you went to was what?​
Facebook

Tea or coffe​e?​
Tea

Night ​ or day?
Night

Die laugh​ing or sleep​ing?​
Laughing, at least I might be happy

Kfc or mcdon​alds?​
Both are gross

Whats​ the relat​ionsh​ip with you and the perso​n you last texte​d?​
Mom

When’​s the last time you cried​?​
A day or two ago, Lauren Girten, a girl at my school died from ovarian cancer

Do you want kids?​
No

Are you a coffe​e addic​t?​
No way

Would​ you kiss the last perso​n you kisse​d?​
No

Ever kisse​d someo​ne that name begin​s with D?
I don't think so

Last place​ you trave​led to in a car?
Dad's house

Is your hair up?
Tis

Do you think​ you are an argum​entat​ive perso​n?​
No, I am very passive

Is your phone​ right​ besid​e you?
No

Is the last perso​n you kisse​d mad at you?
No

How long does it take for you to fall aslee​p at night​?​
Depends how tired I am

What color​ are your eyes?​
brown

Are you a forgi​ving perso​n?​
Sometimes

How did you wake up this morni​ng?
Pissed off

Spring Break
1:37:00 PM
It's that time of year again! Spring Break, the time for college and high school students to go crazy. , here I am in Gulf Shores, Alabama. I only know one other person from my high school who is vacationing here and his name is P.J. We aren't close or anything but he's really funny, he has a girlfriend though, but he is pretty cute. Anyways we might hangout while we're both down here. I'm just excited to get my tan back. I absolutely despise the tanning bed, and the people that go so much they look like the ygot attacked by a mob of orange markers. Even though my best friend, Ashley is one of those people, I try to overlook that flaw. I only have 3 more months till I move back to my hometown of San Diego and I am BEYOND excited. I miss my cousins, and I know once I move back it'll be partying 24/7! Ahhh :) and I won't have to wait until summers or spring breaks just to go to a beach! So today's topic is Spring Break. The coolest spring break moments. But what if during sb you have a significant other? You don't want to cheat on them do you? So do you break up with them or do you try your best to stay good....like that will happen. OH and I hate those stupid freshman sluts that go on spring break and fuck half the guys on the beach. I'm really glad I grew out of my skanky stage. I'm pretty satisfied without having a boyfriend, or lover. Anyways. SB, yeah go for it.

Call of Duty
Monday, March 22
2:31:00 PM
Don't you just hate those kind of days? Everyone knows what they are. You're having a bad hair day, you don't feel pretty, your clothes feel weird on your body, your annoyed, anxious and then someone says or does something that totally sets you off. It sucks, and that is what today has been like for me. I received tons of homework to do tonight. Joy. But right now instead, I am procrastinating and playing Call of Duty: WAW. Yes I am a girl. And yes I do play cod. Weird right? Whatever it's fun. Shooting people. My favorite is free for all. I really wish I could get modern warfare but I don't exactly have lots of cash these days.
       I am going to see She's out of your league tommorow with my friend Deron. He works at the movie theatre and so we always go see free movies together. It's pretty cool. I was planning on driving two hours to nashville with him in a few weeks to see the Maine, Cartel, We the Kings, and Stereo Skyline, but my mom said no. That shit really pisses me off. I don't know how much longer I can stand her treating me like a baby. But I don't want this to turn into a rant. Anyways. The next freeforall is about to start so I'm out. Oh, anyone wants to play me, let me know.

post #1
Saturday, March 20
3:51:00 PM
Hello, I am Dakota Ranm. You don't know me, and you don't really need to know me. My history, my past is not important. What is important is my now and what I will do in my future. My opinions, my thoughts, and my feelings are important, to me, though not to you. In this blog I will voice my opinions about every topic imaginable. It might take a while to cover them all, so it's a good thing I don't plan on dying anytime soon. Dying, this will be my first topic. One that can be delicate or can be a mere bump in your road. Feel free to comment about your experience with death, opinions of it, anything. I don't see death as something to be afraid of. I see it as just something inevitable that happens. Kind of like a girl getting her period or a guy getting an erection. It will happen and whether you want it or not, it will get you. There are even some people that anticipate death so much, they either attempt to speed up the process or they try to kill themselves. Some might see this as crazy, but I'll be the first to admit I have contemplated it before. I think everyone goes through a time when they aren't sure where their future is taking them and they feel compelled to take their lives. What about people like cancer patients? They know they're going to die, just like the rest of us, but they usually have a time stamp placed on them, an expiration date. Does knowing when you're going to die make things harder or easier?

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Information
Age: 17
Location:So Cal
Sex: F
Likes:Running, Drawing, Painting, Writing, Arizona Tea
Dislikes:Close-mindedness, Arrogance, Movies with talking animals

About
Hello my name is Dakota Ramn. I like pineapples, fantasies and being rebellious.

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